Sad and mad….smad

I told someone that in the words of Sookie from “Gilmore girls”, I am smad.  I am both mad and sad.  At times one emotion will over take the other but at the end of the day I am so very smad…

I don’t understand.  I don’t understand why some one lives a hard, hard life that they didn’t have a say in only to die at six-years-old.  I don’t understand why someone who is such a truly good human, fights so hard and loses the battle.  I don’t understand why someone who loves others with their whole heart, is the light in many people’s day, can suddenly be gone. None of it seems fair.

And to be honest there isn’t really a good way to put it into words. It just sucks.  That’s the only way to put it.  It sucks.

I read an article about grief; a reddit post from an older gentleman about handling death.  He talked about how at first the grief is one giant wave that seems to just keep going.  You don’t get the chance to breath and it feels like you are drowning, gasping for air, struggling to stay afloat.  As time goes on the waves are still high but they get farther apart.  You get time to breath in-between.  And as even more time passes you find that the waves can come in different heights; some smaller and then there might be a bigger one.  You never know when a wave might come but you find as time moves on they are a little easier to handle; eventually you start to see them coming and can prepare for them.  I really like this analogy because it is exactly how I see grief.

I think for me, part of the pain comes from seeing the pain and imagining the pain that the immediate family is going through.  Seeing the raw emotion, the fears and the heartache only makes me feel more pain as I hurt for their hurt.  As I remember times they won’t have, the experiences the family will have to have without the ones they loved my heart physically feels in pain…at times it feels as though it will never stop hurting.

As time goes on and life resumes I start to feel guilty because we might forget.  We might forget the pain for a moment and when it comes back I feel guilty for forgetting them.  Sometimes I feel guilty because even if I am overcome with a wave of grief I feel it is not justified because someone else who was closer to them is the one who feels the strongest pain; I don’t deserve to be upset because I wasn’t their daughter, sister, parent, wife, etc…..

I know life is not fair and in my head I know that everyone’s time comes.  But so often my heart has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that some people’s time comes sooner then it feels it should…and not matter the age, it doesn’t seem fair.

I so often struggle with the idea of a loving, all powerful God who takes away the seemingly best people. This is one of the biggest struggles of all that I have.  I know that His son died; His SON.  If you believe in the bible this would be the best person that has ever walked this earth; the literally embodiment of God on this earth and he died even after prayer from Jesus asking to live. So yeah, maybe God does take the best people but why?  Why does He do that??  It doesn’t feel right that He takes the best people to Heaven only to leave us here on the earth to deal with the pain. To deal with the deep down ache that comes from missing people with everything you have and knowing that they will not be there….

I guess at the end of the day, I am still smad because even if we believe in God’s plan the pain is real, the heartache is strong, and it just doesn’t seem like this is how life should feel…. And I hope that man is right.  That the pain will never go away, but it will in a way become easier to handle; it will feel like less of burden and more of a gift because pain would never come if we never loved one another.

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Forever alone…

We joke about this statement and we joke that we will be “forever alone”.  There is a “forever alone” meme. We joke that we will never find someone.  We go through phases where this is at the forefront of our mind and other times we forget; maybe we are having fun, maybe we just don’t care but we let it slide from our minds until it decides to haunt us again.  The reasons that we think we will be forever alone may vary from person to person but the fear is no less real.  What we fear about being alone varies but again it is no less real.

For me the biggest fear is that I will not have someone to count on.  I am constantly feeling like I am good friends with people but they are always better friends with other people.  I fear that some day my best friends will all have their significant others, their better friends, leaving me behind.  I will become second choice as their “person” in many ways.  I guess what I am saying is that I want to feel like someone’s first choice.  That they choose me.

This is not to say that I don’t have friends.  I have great friends that choose me.  This is not to say that I do not have people I can count on.  I have a fantastic support system.  This is to say that I often look at the future and fear not having someone beside me to share the journey of life; I fear being alone.  I want to have someone with me in all the stages of life. Someone who understands the joy, pain, laughter, suffering, stories, heartbreak that come with different stages of life. Someone to walk beside.  Most of the time I have that in my girlfriends but as many find their partner in life, as they enter different stages of life we will not fully understand the other.  That’s how life works.

Maybe I see having someone to share the journey with, a partner, through rose-colored glasses; maybe I don’t fully understand what I am asking for. BUT I do know that it will never be easy.  I know, even as I sit here, that there will be times when I do not value, do not treasure what I have found.  I will take that person for granted.  I tell myself now that I won’t but if I’m honest I understand that I will because I am human and life will take over.  There will be moments when I need my space.  In this moment though, I’m tired of being alone.  Not always am I alone, but it there are definitely moments where it would be nice to have a person to go to or a person to just be around who understands I just need their presence.

So while we may joke about being forever alone, I think deep inside there is a part of us, or at least me, that truly fears being forever alone. It takes an effort to tell yourself that you have people who will be with you always.  Maybe my life won’t work out the way that I think it might.  I may not find “the one” and honestly, most of the time that’s OK.  But it takes strength to tell yourself that and remind yourself of these truths.

And sometimes, it’s too hard and takes too much strength to remind yourself.  It’s in those moments that I feel I will be forever alone….

And so it begins

This week I finally have some answers about the next steps of my life because…I got a job!  A full time job.  A job that big girls have.  A job at a corporation.  And this job does a big thing.  It keeps me in Indianapolis.  It keeps me close to the place where I would have had my last year, my senior year.  And while I know there will be changes, it will be different, I am so relived to know that not everything is going to be changing.  I am still in a city that I know, I will be around people I know, and there are still familiar events that I can participate in.  In some ways I can finally start to feel like I know where I am going in life while still being partially surrounded by the comfort that I have known for the past three years.  The job that I took is not necessary what I saw myself doing after I graduated, but, it is a job that I can do well and a position in which I can grow.  Grow myself, my skills as an employee, and perhaps within the company.

The one thing that I found while deciding if I should take the job offer was that all I really want to do is travel.  And so, while this job doesn’t require my major, it is a job that I can use to get me to my dream of seeing more of the world.  It is the next phase of my life because it can help me attain my next goal in life.

I want to travel and see the world; see the cultures and ways of life.  So many people live a different normal and how can I call myself an educated person if I don’t go and educate myself about the other cultures in the world; the other people in the world.  The world has gotten smaller in the day of technology and yet there is still so much to see and do that it is still a big, big world.  Every person has a story; every city has a different feeling, different people and a different way of life.  I want to experience this first hand.  I have traveled through books, movies and music my whole life but now I want to travel in person to see, touch, smell, and feel the world.

At times it is an idealistic goal and yet I don’t care because I want to do something a little crazy, a little naive, and a little idealistic.

So how do these two ideas collide? Well, next up is a new job, a new company, and a new journey.  But this new job and new company are leading me to the new journey because I can use this job to save; the next few months will be filled with learning new tasks and me trying to save money.  But in the end it will be worth it because I don’t think I will ever look back on my life and regret traveling.

Dark Side

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I’m fat, broke, lonely and a failure.  I’m a failure at getting a job, at keeping friendships, at being nice, and at being fit. I’m literally at the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  I don’t fit in my pants.  I hate working out; I have no motivation. I’m totally out of shape; can’t run, can’t lift, no endurance whatsoever.  I love food.  I hate how I look in clothes.  I often wonder if my weight has anything to do with my inability to get a boyfriend.  I see guys I like and realize I am not in their league.  I don’t try anything because I realize there are a million other girls out there to catch their eye; why would they look at me?  I compare myself to others and struggle with the results I find.  I look in a mirror every morning and see the stretch marks, fat, cellulite, love handles.

Also, I can’t get a job and I have a college degree.  I have applied to numerous jobs without interviews.  I have not had a bite on any application. I’m moving back in with my parents in a month.  I have no money and no prospects for getting money in the next ten years because of an education that doesn’t seem to be worth it right now.

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This is my dark side.  These are the thoughts that run through my head.  Some days more that others.  Some days the pain of these feelings overcomes the others.  The feeling of complete inadequacy is so strong you wonder how you will ever survive.  There are days when you feel there is no point to try because there is so far to go; it is completely out of reach.  You will never be fit.  You will never get your dream job.  You will never fit in the clothes you used to love. You feel the entire world is stacked against you and your success.

Yet when you share your dark side with people you get the pity complements.  “You’re not fat!”  “Don’t worry you will find the right job!” “Someday you’ll find the right one too. You’re young!  Don’t worry about that now.” “Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

I don’t want those complements.  As well meant as they might be, I hate them because I feel I only get them when someone is trying to make me feel better.  And they don’t.  Because how do they know?  They can’t tell the future.  They cannot know for sure what the future will hold for me.  They may have faith in me and that’s great but they cannot know the future.  And in all honesty you sometimes don’t want them to disagree with you, in fact you want them to agree with you because then maybe you can move forward and work through the pain.

Words of wisdom

I don’t think that I can put my feelings into better words than have already been written.  So from two different TV shows here are pieces of graduation speeches that sum up the feelings of graduation and inspire me….

“There is a universal truth we all have to face, whether we want to or not, everything eventually ends. As much as I’ve looked forward to this day, I’ve always disliked endings. Last day of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable, Leaves fall, you close the book. You say goodbye. Today is one of those days for us. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar, everything that was comfortable. We’re moving on. But just because we’re leaving, and that hurts, there’s some people who are so much a part of us, they’ll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground. Our North Star. And the small clear voices in our hearts that will be with us … always.” (Alexis Castle; Castle)

 

“Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it’s here, I’m sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors, so many people who have shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever.” (Rory Gilmore; Gilmore Girls)