Dark Side

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I’m fat, broke, lonely and a failure.  I’m a failure at getting a job, at keeping friendships, at being nice, and at being fit. I’m literally at the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  I don’t fit in my pants.  I hate working out; I have no motivation. I’m totally out of shape; can’t run, can’t lift, no endurance whatsoever.  I love food.  I hate how I look in clothes.  I often wonder if my weight has anything to do with my inability to get a boyfriend.  I see guys I like and realize I am not in their league.  I don’t try anything because I realize there are a million other girls out there to catch their eye; why would they look at me?  I compare myself to others and struggle with the results I find.  I look in a mirror every morning and see the stretch marks, fat, cellulite, love handles.

Also, I can’t get a job and I have a college degree.  I have applied to numerous jobs without interviews.  I have not had a bite on any application. I’m moving back in with my parents in a month.  I have no money and no prospects for getting money in the next ten years because of an education that doesn’t seem to be worth it right now.

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This is my dark side.  These are the thoughts that run through my head.  Some days more that others.  Some days the pain of these feelings overcomes the others.  The feeling of complete inadequacy is so strong you wonder how you will ever survive.  There are days when you feel there is no point to try because there is so far to go; it is completely out of reach.  You will never be fit.  You will never get your dream job.  You will never fit in the clothes you used to love. You feel the entire world is stacked against you and your success.

Yet when you share your dark side with people you get the pity complements.  “You’re not fat!”  “Don’t worry you will find the right job!” “Someday you’ll find the right one too. You’re young!  Don’t worry about that now.” “Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

I don’t want those complements.  As well meant as they might be, I hate them because I feel I only get them when someone is trying to make me feel better.  And they don’t.  Because how do they know?  They can’t tell the future.  They cannot know for sure what the future will hold for me.  They may have faith in me and that’s great but they cannot know the future.  And in all honesty you sometimes don’t want them to disagree with you, in fact you want them to agree with you because then maybe you can move forward and work through the pain.

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