Regret

Regrets are one of the biggest things that people talk about in life; especially as they are at the end of their life.  They regret doing things and many times we hear people saying that they regret not doing things.

For me, it’s the latter.  I regret not doing so many things in my life and sometimes the weight of that regret takes over.  I think of all the things I could have done, all the things I should have done, all the things I could have been and all the things I gave up.

I could have been a dancer. I could have been a gymnast. I could have been a softball player.  I could have been a debater.  At some point I wanted to be all of these but for various reasons I did not pursue it as much as I wanted.  Was it lack of money?  Was it fear? WHY?  Why didn’t I get what I wanted?!  These are the questions that plague me.  So often I look at what I have done, where I am, who I am and just ask myself “what have I done with my life.  If I left today what would I be known for?  What am I good at?”  So often that answer I find is…nothing.  I feel like I have accomplished nothing.

I know that in so many ways this is a pitying view of myself, a negative view of myself, a self-deprecating view.  But when you look at what other people my age have accomplished how can I measure up to that?

I can’t.

It’s as simple as that.  I can’t.  I don’t.  How can I compare to the Olympians, the 4.0 students, the college athletes?  I am NOT them.  I can only be the best me I can be.

But what is the biggest reason I feel weight in my regrets?  Honestly?  Fear.  Fear of being a quitter, fear of never being good enough, fear of never accomplishing anything, fear of not measuring up, fear of not reaching the potential I believe I have because I am scared, fear of not doing what I want because I constantly find excuses to do the opposite.

So what next?  I don’t know….I don’t know.  I have to find a way to live with my regrets; forgive myself for not doing things.  Stop looking back start looking towards my future.  What can I work on now to get to where I want in the long-term?  What can I do to “fix” or “correct” my regrets?  Can I find a way, a new way, to reach what I want in life?

I guess we will find out…….