One is the loneliest number

Standing in a crowded room and yet feeling all alone.  Sometimes I feel that this is the story of my life….

Quite often I am the one who creates an atmosphere in which I am lonely.  I know that sometimes I isolate myself when so often I want to be around people.  I crave people and social interactions and yet I pull myself out of social interactions because I feel unwanted.  Its all in my head but I can’t help feeling like I am unwanted and that the group I am in wouldn’t miss me if I was gone.  I feel the need to thank the group I am with for letting me hang out with them.  Sometimes I just wanted to be wanted.  To be invited.

I’m surrounded by a sea of people day in and day out.  I have friends that I talk to daily, I have people to life chat with and yet at night I feel alone.  It seems to me that I am hardly asked to go to dinner with other friend groups, asked to go to Target or am included in weekend plans.  This weekend is hard because it is a long weekend and a lot of people are at home.  There were scheduled events the past couple nights and yet some part of me convinced myself that I wasn’t wanted.

I know that others are out having fun and hanging with friend groups.  People in other social circles are asking them to hang out.  Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong.  Did I not socialize enough in the past couple years?  How did I not become friends with more people?  Is there something wrong with my personality that makes it so people don’t want to hang out with me?  Am I too weird or awkward?

And even though I guess I will never know, I will try to reach out.  And even though it will be painful and uncomfortable, I will try to reconnect to people and befriend new people.  I will reach out to others and try to limit the times I expect to be invited…