Sad and mad….smad

I told someone that in the words of Sookie from “Gilmore girls”, I am smad.  I am both mad and sad.  At times one emotion will over take the other but at the end of the day I am so very smad…

I don’t understand.  I don’t understand why some one lives a hard, hard life that they didn’t have a say in only to die at six-years-old.  I don’t understand why someone who is such a truly good human, fights so hard and loses the battle.  I don’t understand why someone who loves others with their whole heart, is the light in many people’s day, can suddenly be gone. None of it seems fair.

And to be honest there isn’t really a good way to put it into words. It just sucks.  That’s the only way to put it.  It sucks.

I read an article about grief; a reddit post from an older gentleman about handling death.  He talked about how at first the grief is one giant wave that seems to just keep going.  You don’t get the chance to breath and it feels like you are drowning, gasping for air, struggling to stay afloat.  As time goes on the waves are still high but they get farther apart.  You get time to breath in-between.  And as even more time passes you find that the waves can come in different heights; some smaller and then there might be a bigger one.  You never know when a wave might come but you find as time moves on they are a little easier to handle; eventually you start to see them coming and can prepare for them.  I really like this analogy because it is exactly how I see grief.

I think for me, part of the pain comes from seeing the pain and imagining the pain that the immediate family is going through.  Seeing the raw emotion, the fears and the heartache only makes me feel more pain as I hurt for their hurt.  As I remember times they won’t have, the experiences the family will have to have without the ones they loved my heart physically feels in pain…at times it feels as though it will never stop hurting.

As time goes on and life resumes I start to feel guilty because we might forget.  We might forget the pain for a moment and when it comes back I feel guilty for forgetting them.  Sometimes I feel guilty because even if I am overcome with a wave of grief I feel it is not justified because someone else who was closer to them is the one who feels the strongest pain; I don’t deserve to be upset because I wasn’t their daughter, sister, parent, wife, etc…..

I know life is not fair and in my head I know that everyone’s time comes.  But so often my heart has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that some people’s time comes sooner then it feels it should…and not matter the age, it doesn’t seem fair.

I so often struggle with the idea of a loving, all powerful God who takes away the seemingly best people. This is one of the biggest struggles of all that I have.  I know that His son died; His SON.  If you believe in the bible this would be the best person that has ever walked this earth; the literally embodiment of God on this earth and he died even after prayer from Jesus asking to live. So yeah, maybe God does take the best people but why?  Why does He do that??  It doesn’t feel right that He takes the best people to Heaven only to leave us here on the earth to deal with the pain. To deal with the deep down ache that comes from missing people with everything you have and knowing that they will not be there….

I guess at the end of the day, I am still smad because even if we believe in God’s plan the pain is real, the heartache is strong, and it just doesn’t seem like this is how life should feel…. And I hope that man is right.  That the pain will never go away, but it will in a way become easier to handle; it will feel like less of burden and more of a gift because pain would never come if we never loved one another.