Forever alone…

We joke about this statement and we joke that we will be “forever alone”.  There is a “forever alone” meme. We joke that we will never find someone.  We go through phases where this is at the forefront of our mind and other times we forget; maybe we are having fun, maybe we just don’t care but we let it slide from our minds until it decides to haunt us again.  The reasons that we think we will be forever alone may vary from person to person but the fear is no less real.  What we fear about being alone varies but again it is no less real.

For me the biggest fear is that I will not have someone to count on.  I am constantly feeling like I am good friends with people but they are always better friends with other people.  I fear that some day my best friends will all have their significant others, their better friends, leaving me behind.  I will become second choice as their “person” in many ways.  I guess what I am saying is that I want to feel like someone’s first choice.  That they choose me.

This is not to say that I don’t have friends.  I have great friends that choose me.  This is not to say that I do not have people I can count on.  I have a fantastic support system.  This is to say that I often look at the future and fear not having someone beside me to share the journey of life; I fear being alone.  I want to have someone with me in all the stages of life. Someone who understands the joy, pain, laughter, suffering, stories, heartbreak that come with different stages of life. Someone to walk beside.  Most of the time I have that in my girlfriends but as many find their partner in life, as they enter different stages of life we will not fully understand the other.  That’s how life works.

Maybe I see having someone to share the journey with, a partner, through rose-colored glasses; maybe I don’t fully understand what I am asking for. BUT I do know that it will never be easy.  I know, even as I sit here, that there will be times when I do not value, do not treasure what I have found.  I will take that person for granted.  I tell myself now that I won’t but if I’m honest I understand that I will because I am human and life will take over.  There will be moments when I need my space.  In this moment though, I’m tired of being alone.  Not always am I alone, but it there are definitely moments where it would be nice to have a person to go to or a person to just be around who understands I just need their presence.

So while we may joke about being forever alone, I think deep inside there is a part of us, or at least me, that truly fears being forever alone. It takes an effort to tell yourself that you have people who will be with you always.  Maybe my life won’t work out the way that I think it might.  I may not find “the one” and honestly, most of the time that’s OK.  But it takes strength to tell yourself that and remind yourself of these truths.

And sometimes, it’s too hard and takes too much strength to remind yourself.  It’s in those moments that I feel I will be forever alone….