The power of a bond

How can your heart ache so much for something that lasted so short?  How can your heart ache to talk to people you haven’t spoken to in months?  In years?  How is it that when you’re together it is so great but the minute you scatter across the country you lose touch?

It’s bittersweet to see others reunite because all you want is to be there with them.  You know you can’t but you remember the times of the past when everything was good.  You see a picture they post and want to hear the stories behind it.  You think of the things only they understand.  The memories only they know.  You remember the stupid mistakes you made, the stupid things you said, the laughter, the tears, the food, the lack of sleep.

It hurts to know you may never see them again.  It hurts to not know if they care the same way you do.  You feel as though they have forgotten you.

You know the plans that many have to meet again.  You know they will bond, catch up, stay up late, laugh.  And on one hand you’re happy for them; happy that they get to see each other and be together.  But on the other hand you can hardly stand it because you’re heart is too heavy knowing you cannot be there.  You think of any and every crazy possible way that you might be able to join them until it becomes hopeless and you have to resign yourself to the harsh reality that you may never see these people again.

And while you’ve tried to forget the pain, to make it go away, you wonder when you will finally be able to stop feeling the ache of missing them.  You wonder if you will ever be able to tell them how much you still care and think about them.

You feel mellow-dramatic; and let’s face it you are.  But somehow on the bad days this is just how you feel.


Spring Break 2K15


Spent the last few days living it up on the east coast.  Spent time with my big, saw a summer friend, and stepped in the Atlantic.  Spring Break has been short but sweet.  Some unexpected adventures and one sunburn later I return to the mid-west with memories to last a lifetime.

Laughter and tears.  Snow and sand. I’ve seen it all.  Now it’s time to finish the semester and find the next adventure!

Beginning the Endings

As I come to the midpoint of my last semester I almost feel that it is time for an obligatory post about the ending of an era.  And as cliche as this is, I think I need to if not for anyone but myself and the therapeutic feeling.

It’s the end and the closer it comes the more ominous and more terrifying.  I feel that everyone expects me to have my life and the next year planned out when in reality I don’t even have the next three months planned.  It’s so bittersweet to think of leaving the campus and the place I have called home for three years.  I’ve been through a lot on this campus; I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot both in class and out, and I’ve grown as a person.  As I start to move away from being a student I reach the terrifying feeling of never wanting to leave and knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop time from moving.  Here I feel free, independent, like the world is at my feet and I can do anything.  But when I leave campus I leave the safety, the freedom, the friends.  You will never have another experience like undergrad nor will you ever find the same environment.

I’m not saying that leaving is all bad; it’s the opposite because there are a lot of things that I am looking forward to!  I can’t wait to have an apartment, to feel important and needed, and to apply what I’ve been studying for so many years.  It’s just when all of the “last” things start happening that I get sad, that nostalgia sets in.

The last philanthropy event with Tri Delta, the last recruitment, the last spring break, the last basketball game in the student section of Hinkle.  Ah Hinkle, home sweet Hinkle; some of my best college memories happened in this building. But all of these are things that I have loved, sometimes hated, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences for anything.

I think that part that I dislike the most is that I feel like I am leaving the “best time of my life” and can’t do anything to stop it.  I have the pessimistic view that after this comes the mundane job day after day after day. The feeling of losing control is not something I am comfortable with and time is something I have never liked.  I compare it to a carousel in the park that you got on because it looked fun and interesting and now it won’t stop spinning around and around when all you want is to get off.  You just want the carousel (time) to stop but it won’t.  Sometimes it spins faster and other times it is slower but that’s all it does and you have no control over the speed nor is there an end in sight.  It is overwhelming, terrifying, and a million other things!

Everyone says it will work out, they are excited for me, they can’t wait to see what I will do, they expect me to be excited.  And in the back of my head I know it will work out and I know that I should be trusting but it’s hard.  But it’s not like I have much of a choice.  I will graduate, I will eventually find a job, I will figure out housing whether I want to or not.  The only thing I can do is try not to cry too much and cherish every moment that I have left at Butler.  I’ll hold on, prepare for the ride, and remember that even though the experience changes, once a Bulldog, always a Bulldog.


One is the loneliest number

Standing in a crowded room and yet feeling all alone.  Sometimes I feel that this is the story of my life….

Quite often I am the one who creates an atmosphere in which I am lonely.  I know that sometimes I isolate myself when so often I want to be around people.  I crave people and social interactions and yet I pull myself out of social interactions because I feel unwanted.  Its all in my head but I can’t help feeling like I am unwanted and that the group I am in wouldn’t miss me if I was gone.  I feel the need to thank the group I am with for letting me hang out with them.  Sometimes I just wanted to be wanted.  To be invited.

I’m surrounded by a sea of people day in and day out.  I have friends that I talk to daily, I have people to life chat with and yet at night I feel alone.  It seems to me that I am hardly asked to go to dinner with other friend groups, asked to go to Target or am included in weekend plans.  This weekend is hard because it is a long weekend and a lot of people are at home.  There were scheduled events the past couple nights and yet some part of me convinced myself that I wasn’t wanted.

I know that others are out having fun and hanging with friend groups.  People in other social circles are asking them to hang out.  Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong.  Did I not socialize enough in the past couple years?  How did I not become friends with more people?  Is there something wrong with my personality that makes it so people don’t want to hang out with me?  Am I too weird or awkward?

And even though I guess I will never know, I will try to reach out.  And even though it will be painful and uncomfortable, I will try to reconnect to people and befriend new people.  I will reach out to others and try to limit the times I expect to be invited…


Regrets are one of the biggest things that people talk about in life; especially as they are at the end of their life.  They regret doing things and many times we hear people saying that they regret not doing things.

For me, it’s the latter.  I regret not doing so many things in my life and sometimes the weight of that regret takes over.  I think of all the things I could have done, all the things I should have done, all the things I could have been and all the things I gave up.

I could have been a dancer. I could have been a gymnast. I could have been a softball player.  I could have been a debater.  At some point I wanted to be all of these but for various reasons I did not pursue it as much as I wanted.  Was it lack of money?  Was it fear? WHY?  Why didn’t I get what I wanted?!  These are the questions that plague me.  So often I look at what I have done, where I am, who I am and just ask myself “what have I done with my life.  If I left today what would I be known for?  What am I good at?”  So often that answer I find is…nothing.  I feel like I have accomplished nothing.

I know that in so many ways this is a pitying view of myself, a negative view of myself, a self-deprecating view.  But when you look at what other people my age have accomplished how can I measure up to that?

I can’t.

It’s as simple as that.  I can’t.  I don’t.  How can I compare to the Olympians, the 4.0 students, the college athletes?  I am NOT them.  I can only be the best me I can be.

But what is the biggest reason I feel weight in my regrets?  Honestly?  Fear.  Fear of being a quitter, fear of never being good enough, fear of never accomplishing anything, fear of not measuring up, fear of not reaching the potential I believe I have because I am scared, fear of not doing what I want because I constantly find excuses to do the opposite.

So what next?  I don’t know….I don’t know.  I have to find a way to live with my regrets; forgive myself for not doing things.  Stop looking back start looking towards my future.  What can I work on now to get to where I want in the long-term?  What can I do to “fix” or “correct” my regrets?  Can I find a way, a new way, to reach what I want in life?

I guess we will find out…….