Beginning the Endings

As I come to the midpoint of my last semester I almost feel that it is time for an obligatory post about the ending of an era.  And as cliche as this is, I think I need to if not for anyone but myself and the therapeutic feeling.

It’s the end and the closer it comes the more ominous and more terrifying.  I feel that everyone expects me to have my life and the next year planned out when in reality I don’t even have the next three months planned.  It’s so bittersweet to think of leaving the campus and the place I have called home for three years.  I’ve been through a lot on this campus; I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot both in class and out, and I’ve grown as a person.  As I start to move away from being a student I reach the terrifying feeling of never wanting to leave and knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop time from moving.  Here I feel free, independent, like the world is at my feet and I can do anything.  But when I leave campus I leave the safety, the freedom, the friends.  You will never have another experience like undergrad nor will you ever find the same environment.

I’m not saying that leaving is all bad; it’s the opposite because there are a lot of things that I am looking forward to!  I can’t wait to have an apartment, to feel important and needed, and to apply what I’ve been studying for so many years.  It’s just when all of the “last” things start happening that I get sad, that nostalgia sets in.

The last philanthropy event with Tri Delta, the last recruitment, the last spring break, the last basketball game in the student section of Hinkle.  Ah Hinkle, home sweet Hinkle; some of my best college memories happened in this building. But all of these are things that I have loved, sometimes hated, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences for anything.

I think that part that I dislike the most is that I feel like I am leaving the “best time of my life” and can’t do anything to stop it.  I have the pessimistic view that after this comes the mundane job day after day after day. The feeling of losing control is not something I am comfortable with and time is something I have never liked.  I compare it to a carousel in the park that you got on because it looked fun and interesting and now it won’t stop spinning around and around when all you want is to get off.  You just want the carousel (time) to stop but it won’t.  Sometimes it spins faster and other times it is slower but that’s all it does and you have no control over the speed nor is there an end in sight.  It is overwhelming, terrifying, and a million other things!

Everyone says it will work out, they are excited for me, they can’t wait to see what I will do, they expect me to be excited.  And in the back of my head I know it will work out and I know that I should be trusting but it’s hard.  But it’s not like I have much of a choice.  I will graduate, I will eventually find a job, I will figure out housing whether I want to or not.  The only thing I can do is try not to cry too much and cherish every moment that I have left at Butler.  I’ll hold on, prepare for the ride, and remember that even though the experience changes, once a Bulldog, always a Bulldog.

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