Standing in a crowded room and yet feeling all alone. Sometimes I feel that this is the story of my life….
Quite often I am the one who creates an atmosphere in which I am lonely. I know that sometimes I isolate myself when so often I want to be around people. I crave people and social interactions and yet I pull myself out of social interactions because I feel unwanted. Its all in my head but I can’t help feeling like I am unwanted and that the group I am in wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. I feel the need to thank the group I am with for letting me hang out with them. Sometimes I just wanted to be wanted. To be invited.
I’m surrounded by a sea of people day in and day out. I have friends that I talk to daily, I have people to life chat with and yet at night I feel alone. It seems to me that I am hardly asked to go to dinner with other friend groups, asked to go to Target or am included in weekend plans. This weekend is hard because it is a long weekend and a lot of people are at home. There were scheduled events the past couple nights and yet some part of me convinced myself that I wasn’t wanted.
I know that others are out having fun and hanging with friend groups. People in other social circles are asking them to hang out. Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. Did I not socialize enough in the past couple years? How did I not become friends with more people? Is there something wrong with my personality that makes it so people don’t want to hang out with me? Am I too weird or awkward?
And even though I guess I will never know, I will try to reach out. And even though it will be painful and uncomfortable, I will try to reconnect to people and befriend new people. I will reach out to others and try to limit the times I expect to be invited…